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  • Paul Hopkins

Relapse…..Those who have had an affair know that it is all consuming.

Relapse…..

Those who have had an affair know that it is all consuming. 24/7

No room for anything or anyone else. That is reality.

So stopping an affair is one of the most difficult things because you are addicted. You love the buzz the emotion and thrive on the newness and the feelings that make you want more and more….

Stopping or ending an affair is going to take real determination and in fact it is a real sign that you are serious about the direction you want to go or the person you want to be with.

I struggled to stop my affair in fact I think I had 3 good attempts but failed. The truth is there are two people in an affair and if you are both as addicted as each other the problem is even harder.

Why did I really fail to end my affair?

1. Fail.

Did I really want to end it?

No I did not. The first time we both tried to end it was a choice that we weren’t making. You have to be in it to win it right?

We were not in the end the affair phase. So we ended the affair but knowing that we would be together again real soon.

Basically I did not want to end it. I was enjoying the affair.

2. Fail.

The pressure was now on, and 4 – 6 months into the affair my marriage was taking its toll (more so than the beginning of the affair). I now had demands on me and those demands were to choose. End the affair or else.

God damn it why? I was not happy about the demand. Why was there a demand? In my mind it was outrageous that someone had put this demand on me. (I was actually lucky that there was no demand from day one)

Because of this demand and because I was in a world where I had no stable conscious decision making ability due to the addiction I played a game. That game was appeasing the demand. Fake the notion and continue to enjoy my selfish life. However at that moment in time I never even understood what my life was other than wanting to see the other person.

3. A glimmer of hope…. Fail

Sticky times. A growing understanding. Help from friends and my counsellor. Alarm bells.

Toing and froing backwards and forwards. Confusion but clarity.

But still in denial and enjoying the affair. I was still besotted with her. The thought of ending the relationship was a painful thought.

The plan was to prolong the decisions. The longer I could duck and dive the longer I could avoid a result.

Yes that was my plan avoidance. I buried my head in the sand. Ignored the demands and the decisions by umming and ering everything. I had to say the right thing at the right time to buy time.

God it was draining!!

4. Realisation Pass. (but it was a long hard road)

I could not escape the inevitable. My wife was at her wits end? I was making her ill. I had discovered the true meaning of love. Even though I had had it in front of me every day for 26 years.

I was in awe of such dedication. And as she quoted, not because my wife needed me but because she loved me.

The affair was showing weaknesses. The alarm bells were signalling and at long last a decision was made.

I stopped the affair.

The moral of the story:

You can do it. Make it right and make it better. Recognise love and love them back.

Stay strong and you will heal. Wounds heal scars remain but they remind us of the pain we went through.



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