Page 11. SEX
Sex was good and Mitchell was always keen, but even that had become habitual to me. I could forecast what was going to happen. At 10pm Mitchell would get up start clearing the cups away, and say, “I am going to brush my teeth.” I then felt pressured to follow. We would then lay down, lights out Mitchell would start touching and I would sometimes out of pressure go through with having sex. There was no spontaneity, no difference, no excitement.
Our sex life used to be good, it used to be exciting and spontaneous. Sex used to be various positions and last a long time. But it had vanished. I would suggest things, but they were wavered. I wanted, or rather I needed a connection to be able to enjoy sex. The only trouble is, I never even realised that connection was a big deal when it comes to sex. So, I would take it and be disappointed. It was always me that seemed to suggest different things, not just about sex but also life, hobbies, adventures. I wanted to try new experiences together, I was desperate for some connection. Grasping at anything that we could grab on to and just look at each other in amazement and think the same thing. I was waiting! Oh boy was I waiting!
I wanted to see passion, life, excitement and character. Where was it? It was driving me to despair!
I was exhausting all possibilities. I was sad, lonely, bored and, to be frank, I was thinking of leaving but at the same time I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to do that to Mitchell, but she would not listen to me! Why would she not hear me? There was a reason.
What I needed to do, or rather, what I should have done, was to sit her down and say to her in plain English: “I am not happy, things need to change, if there is no change then I am out, I do not want out but the options are becoming fewer daily.” That’s what I needed to do. Why didn’t I, because I was a chicken, because I was gutless?
Why was I gutless? Well, I will tell you. I did not want to hurt Mitchell. “What a crock of shit” I hear you shout as you laugh out loud. Think about it. I did not dislike Mitchell. I didn’t want to hurt Mitchell, why would I? I do not want to hurt people I like. Little did I know that I was going to hurt Mitchell in such a monumental way that she will most likely never fully recover.
I went a different way instead, the lying, deceitful way that in the end was X times more destructive that sitting her down and telling the truth. Have you heard of the old saying? The truth hurts. I didn’t want to hurt her.
I was not direct enough, I tried in my dumb way by hinting and suggesting, but I was not straight enough. So, what did I do? Well, that’s coming up!
So, I was finding that as we drifted apart we were, or at least I was, becoming increasingly and seemingly indifferent to Mitchell. I was looking for more and pressing for more. I was nagging for something and always wanting to do something. I was looking for a connection. I was bored and getting lonely. I was finding solace in other people and starting to be happier at work than I was at home. Home was boring to me. It was where I ate, slept and just watched TV. Nothing more, there was no joy at home.
I began to tell myself that people change over time and I realised that I had probably changed due to my job. I had been running a service for a considerable time and all was going well. The service performed. I had ploughed a lot of energy and time into that service to make it a success, that is how it was until the day I left, I am proud of that. The staff of about twenty-five were your typical staff, some great, some weird, some a pain in the arse, but it was going well. I never had any thoughts of an affair.
Now this is where it gets more interesting. One day I suggested taking on another service to my boss, as the service I was running had become efficacious and it could now just tick along nicely, so I may have been a little hungry for more.
And that’s where it started… contact was made for a second time. Yes, the second time. I have not told you about the first time yet. I will though, so read on.