I missed yesterday, so there are 2 pages today :)
I share it with Mitchell, who says, “We should do this.”
I’m still waiting, Mitchell! Have you done this or similar after twenty years of marriage? Well done if you have. If not, do it!
So, to dream and flirt is good. This is what I do: lie in bed whilst she is next to you. Feel and dream. Come on, we have all done it. For her, to just lightly touch you and push you to the edge is nice.
I will talk about my marital sex life in the next chapter.
I loved to see a good female figure and appreciated it (not in a perverse way), but you know, sometimes just watch a sexy lady and think, admire and imagine that it is so pleasurable. To see a great body and self-confidence. A lady who knows she has it, walks with a swagger and dresses to kill, but in a classy, sexy way is very sensual.
However, I was not, and am not, shallow. I respect everyone and I have great friends of all shapes and sizes and I love them all. To be honest, anyone who is tanned, well dressed and has confidence can prove just as attractive. The key is looking and dressing well, no matter who you are.
Let me be clear, though – I am a real man, living in a real world and deal with the problems of life in a focused way. I am not some horny man looking for a quickie, that is not my interest at all and never was.
Personally, and this is now as well as then (well of course this is my opinion), so I will try to keep it modest), I consider myself a thoughtful person, I think about situations and life a lot. I wonder and ponder about the mysteries of life and its pathways. How we got here, where are we going, what we get from it. I love good discussions about all kinds of topics. I like to give opinions, I like to hear other opinions, and if we do not agree I like to converse more and learn as to why others think what they are thinking. I am not keen to sit in a room with people who say nothing! I may as well go and sit in a graveyard! Of course, to be quiet has its place at times, but I like to be around people with life, to be able to start a conversation, to ask a question and to laugh. To laugh at themselves, at me and at life. To watch comedy and like to be a part of comedy. I have a good sense of humour. I love to crack a joke, not a one-liner but a sarcastic comment, banter… but with respect. I do like to laugh and I love other people that make me laugh. A lady that laughs, what a joy, what a pleasure, what a turn-on!
I hate to be preached at, not just in the terms of religion but any subject. I do not like people telling me how it is, or how it should or should not be. I know people who think they are God’s gift to who knows what and, to be honest, I switch off. If you are so full of your own self-importance, then you are not for me. I listen, so I expect the same. I do not brag, so I expect the same. I have known people that are so self-absorbed that all I want is to run away. The trouble is, they tend to follow. They are quite happy to be opinionated and borderline with their comments, happy to give but certainly would not take it. I find them infuriating… I try to tolerate them, but they bring out the worst behaviour in me, I’m afraid.
I tolerate too much sometimes and from time to time I feel that I am not opinionated enough. I do not like confrontation, but I certainly do not hide from it if I feel the need. I will tell someone. Which leads me on to work.
Work, I miss my old workplace. I miss most of the team. Of course, as always, there were the few self-absorbed, ignorant, selfish ones who did not understand the meaning of team or respect, making my life a misery at times. I would love to name them, but I will refrain from that, but the rest of them were a good team. There were some really nice people there. I worked in the NHS, which is a good place to work, albeit full of bureaucracy and policy, but if you work with it, it will work for you. I progressed up to a high-ranking position over an eight-year period, which resulted in overseeing four services. But the service I worked in the longest was where I found the truly good people, friends that I still have contact with today and hopefully will have for life. In fact, one of those people was very significant in my affair and helped me so much. He is a true legend to me, and I hope he knows it (I have told him numerous times).
So yes, I worked in the NHS as Head of Services. I was a firm but fair boss, I respected most of the team members and always tried to help and support them. I learnt a lot from my days in the NHS. In fact, I could write a book on the NHS alone and my experiences in that organisation and the way it behaves and misbehaves, but I won’t bore you with the details, that is another story. I worked bloody hard for that organisation and lost sleep whilst I was there, but it was a good place to work and it fared me well.
But I will explain about work more in the next chapter as that links into the affair and how it all started.
I was brought up in a very religious home and was molded into a good Christian boy for far too long. Amazing how religion shapes a person and brainwashes them into being a suppressed guilt-ridden individual. Making you live a life of guilt and shame when you do something wrong, or maybe something that is perceived as wrong. Begging for forgiveness when all you are is human. Richard Dawkins has some very interesting views on this and is well worth a watch if you are religious, as does Ricky Gervais, but don’t get hung up on that right now. To be fair, Richard Dawkins is almost as bad as he pushes science like he is on commission, but Ricky makes some good points.
So many years living like this... and then for me to bring my children up that way as well… shame on me! But I eventually broke free and made it very clear to my children that they are free to make their own choices and that I had no right to impose on their personality or decision making in the past.
Interesting that the first seven years of your life are the foundation passed on by your parents influencing to how you will develop in life. There is a great book called Home Coming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child by John Bradshaw. I strongly recommend it. Read it, but only when you finish this book of course J.
It is amazing how messed up in the head we can be, but you can break the cycle. I will mention cognitive counselling later, which helped me a great deal.
Anyway, as I said, I eventually managed to break free from the Christian grip, albeit too late in my life. I sometimes wonder if I am making up for lost time, as I never really went through a wild side and kind of regret that. Although does one affair count as a wild side, maybe not? It may have happened anyway.
I think about others too much and I am always afraid of what they will think of me. However, that does not prevent me from standing up for what I believe is right or wrong. I just worry about the others afterwards and what they are maybe saying behind my back; that’s kind of sad but that’s me.
What do I look for in people? I look for honesty, loyalty; do you know, I always wondered what the old saying “a friend in need is a friend indeed” really meant? But I found out a true friend is there to help in times of someone else’s need, without judgement or criticism, just to support. I do expect a lot from a friend, but I give a lot in return. I truly value friends and enjoy them.
I am a father of two. I have a lovely daughter and a great son, whom I love and protect. I have always been a family man and tried to do right by my family. I have made mistakes with my children, but haven’t we all? I am very proud of them.
So, that is a little snippet about me. Of course there is a lot more to me, so much more, I am a very deep thinker and way too complex for my own good. But I am here to write about the affair, not just my personality.